amber solo album
SM Entertainment has more hits than misses, but when they get it wrong they really fuck it up. They’ve had a few major blunders over the past year or so, including Super Junior and Super Junior-M’s atrocious comebacks, Henry’s unlistenable solo career, and TaeTiSeo’s life-alteringly disappointing “Holler.”

I’m a long time f(x) fan, but as soon as I heard that LGBT-dol Amber was making her solo debut with a single called “Shake That Brass” I knew it’d be fucking terrible, and I was right.

On the bright side, not all of Amber’s solo album is a hot mess; like the rest of SM Entertainment’s recent releases, it’s a mixed-bag filled with the good, the bad, and the mediocre.

Here are all the tracks from Amber’s Beautiful mini-album, ranked from WORST to BEST.

5. Shake That Brass

One of my readers already compared this to a bad Kidz Bop track, which is a pretty perfect description. Can’t you just picture this vintage Gia Farrell b-side playing in Nick Cannon’s upcoming Nickelodeon K-pop show? It’d probably be the theme song.

A lot of people like to call cutsie K-pop like A Pink and Crayon Pop immature and childish, but half the fanbase for that stuff is made up of uncle fans. “Shake That Brass” is what you’d truly call a tween single. Junior High age should be the cut-off for listening to this–if you’re any older and you like this song, then you’re probably this guy.

And don’t even get me started on the unnecessary Taeyeon feature and the guest spots from every single idol that’s ever debuted in the history of Korean pop music. The only people who could possibly be impressed with this useless guest list are those young enough to actually think that “Shake That Pacifier” is a good song.

4. I Just Wanna Feat. Eric Nam

Most people skipped this song back when it was called “Goodbye Summer” on Pink Tape. Who the hell thought that it was a good idea to recycle it with an Eric Nam feature?!

NEXT.

3. Heights

This is by no means a great song, but as far as generic EDM-tinged dance-pop goes I’ve certainly heard worse.

2. Beautiful

Now this is what I’m talkin’ about! Amber sounds utterly gorgeous in this self-composed ballad, and it has just enough k-indie flavour to stop it from turning into “Goodbye Summer” part thirty.

1. Love Run

What kind of sweet melancholy slice of flawlessness is this? It’s like old-school U2 meets Britney Spears album filler, except good.

Now let’s all delete “Shake That Pacifer” and “I Wanna Sleep” from Beautiful and pretend that it’s just a three-track single-album, and then we’ll never speak of Amber’s solo debut ever again for as long as we all shall live.