Lovelyz Candy Jelly Love
I’ve been desperately awaiting the debut of Woolim Entertainment’s new girl group Lovelyz all month for several reasons: 1) I love groups with heaps of members (this one has eight), 2) I love cutesie groups, especially ones with big enough budgets to really bring their sexually-suggestive innocent virgin concepts to life, and 3) INFINITE slay, and it’s about time that they had a sister group.

Unfortunately, a week before Lovelyz’s now legendary debut, one of the members was accused of being some kind of abusive lesbian rapist by online saboteurs that YG Entertainment obviously paid to bring down the nation’s next girl group. The member is now in hospital recovering from mental trauma brought on by the scandal, while her remaining seven bandmates have been able to forge ahead with their debut to become the best new girl group of 2014.

Lovelyz’s first single, the delicious “Candy Jelly Love,” is all about eating candy, but like most pop songs, it’s really just one big dirty sexual metaphor.

If I put one spoon of your heart / And swallow one pinch of your white promise,” they chirp. “I will be able to smile for the day.”

Either that’s about swallowing semen, or “Candy Jelly Love” is really about pill popper Park Bom’s drug addiction. Either way, flawless.

The song’s twinkly pop production recalls early KARA and Girls’ Generation, but surprisingly enough it wasn’t actually produced by Sweetune — to my knowledge, none of the album was.

(What’s with everybody throwing King of Pop Sweetune away these days? All they have left now is Nicole, STELLAR, and SPICA!)

Take note of the Salvador Dali reference in the MV. When will your fave ever be this cultured?

Oh, and if you’re thinking that Lovelyz look like a J-pop group in that video, then you’re right. They’ve clearly been inspired by J-pop, but not to the point where they’re just some BABYMETAL knock-off like Pritz are: Lovelyz have just enough Japanese flavour to forge their own style and differentiate themselves from Korea’s other cute groups like A Pink.

Lovelyz look a lot like AKB48; not just because they’re in matching school uniforms, but because the members aren’t overdone and plastic like your typical Korean girl group. They’re naturally pretty in a relatable, attainable way, and although they still look a little unpolished on stage, it seems like an intentional nod to AKB48’s concept of having ‘normal’ girls that fans can watch blossom over time.

More J-pop influence can be heard in the pre-release single “Goodbye Like Yesterday,” which could almost pass for an Avex pop ballad for BoA or E-Girls and its three sub-groups (their live performance of it looked exactly like a Flower PV).

Lovelyz are already so perfect that even their b-sides are good enough to be title tracks. “Goodbye Chapter 1” is killer, opening with spurts of melancholy synth-pop before exploding into a bright KARA-esque chorus.

Heck, if KARA themselves released this as their new single I’d call it a smash and start stanning like it was “STEP” or something!

More heaven awaits with “Getaway,” which is like old f(x) with a splash of Yasutaka Nakata.

Again, they could’ve made this their title track and I wouldn’t have complained one bit.

An iconic schoolgirl concept? Check. A flawless debut album? Check. Unique members including a future trending visual-dol? Check. The most fan cafe members among all 2014 debuting girl groups, including Red Velvet? Check.

Basically, once this whole lesbian sex scandal is taken care of, Lovelyz are coming for the title of nation’s girl group now that SNSD are about to vacate the throne.

Become a Lovelyz stan now, or forever look like a fool in 12 months time when they’re effortlessly obliterating your faves like T-ara circa “Lovey-Dovey”.