beyonce 7 11
Ever since her brief career lull in 2011, Beyonce has done everything and anything to be relatable like a real-life person instead of the soulless empty-headed android that she really is. She’s all over social media like a disease, she stages ‘impromptu’ visits to neighbourhood block parties (coz she’s just like us!) and pretends to shop at Walmart (omg I shop at Walmart too!), and don’t even get me started on all those scripted documentaries and TV specials.

Beyonce can’t sell an album without gimmicky stunts and she couldn’t even sell tickets to her last tour without faking divorce rumours with her secret uncle Jay-Z for publicity, so it’s no surprise to see that her latest single “7/11” is more stunt than substance (just like everything in her career).

Mrs. Sharter tries her hardest to make a viral hit for the kids in the music video for “7/11” by goofing off in front of an iPhone camera, coz you know, she’s so fun and everything.

I never planned to make a music video for this song,” Mrs. Sharter will surely say in upcoming interviews. “I was just in my hotel room and I decided to spontaneously take out my Apple iPhone 6, which is in stores now, and just started filming myself actin’ silly. The dancers from my tour came to hang out because we always kick it before a show, and we all just got crazy and had fun. Then I edited the footage with the Final Cut Pro app all by myself and just uploaded it to VEVO without my record label knowing. The iPhone 6 makes it all so easy.”

I hope for eBey’s sake that “7/11” can chart on the Hot 100 from VEVO views alone, JLo “Booty” style, because nobody except the deaf and the blind are going to pay money to download this noisy unfinished Unapologetic demo that Rihanna threw in the trash so she could record some actual HITS instead.

Poor Beyawnce :( She released one of the most talked-about albums of last year fuelled by the biggest and greatest publicity stunt in the history of pop music, only to have it yield one measly U.S.-only hit with that song where she screams about fucking a surfboard or something. Let’s throw this OLD DOG a bone by repeatedly watching “7/11” on VEVO so we can bring her total number of hits this era up to two.

Britney Spears