K-pop Holy Trinity
I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that the nation’s girl group, ~Crayon*Pop~, are sleighing bitches with their new holiday classic, “Lonely Christmas.”

The bad news is that Nine Muses are still tanking, and T-ara’s new single is the biggest flop of their career.

After doing surprisingly well with “No. 9,” T-ara’s PERFECT IN EVERY WAY follow up single, “What Should I Do?,” has been performing terrible since its release. It debuted at No. 19 –which is bad, even by post-scandal T-ara standards– and then fell to No. 33 this week.

How this happened, I’ll never truly know. Korea was probably just too busy listening to all the basic and boring winter acoustic ballads to appreciate T-ara’s vivacious charming concept and unique retro-lectro musical genre that T-ara invented and only T-ara can do. T-ara actually tried to do the winter ballad thing about a week later with a rushed repackaged album and new single called “Hide & Seek,” but it tanked too.

Anyway, “What Should I Do?” flopping will officially go down as the darkest day in Korean history — until its replaced by the day that King Yunho enlists for his mandatory military service (also the day I’ll commit suicide).

Also currently bombing is the world’s No. 1 supermodel group, Nine Muses. Their classy new Daft Punk disco remix, “Glue,” debuted at No. 24 last week, making it their lowest-charting single since “Ticket.”

This week, it plunged to No. 52.

They’ve now wrapped up promo after just two weeks and are moving onto official solo activities (i.e. Sera will do singing shows and Kyungri will model while the rest do nothing) until they’re ready to make another comeback.

The only reasonable explanation for this floppage is that Koreans were too enchanted by Nine Muses Goddess-like beauty to remember to actually buy the group’s music. There’s now widespread fears that without the much-needed song royalties that the Muses should’ve earned from “Glue,” that Gangnam unnie rapstress supreme ~ERiN~ won’t be able to afford to shave down her chin any further or inject any more fillers under her eyes.

On the bright side, while T-Allah and Nine Kweens are flopping, the divine $layon-Pope (aka the ABBA of our generation for real) are ruling the hearts of the nation with “Lonely Christmas” — a song that’s scientifically proven to be more commercially successful and critically acclaimed than Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”

The Eastern-Europop influenced smash debuted at No. 35, climbed to No. 23 in its second week, and is now up to No. 22, making it the new ABBA’s second best charting single after the nation’s anthem, “Bar Bar Bar.”

The longevity.

In additional Crayon Pop DOMINATION news, the Divine Five have taken over Korea’s official 2013 Gallup Poll, proving their mammoth popularity with the general public. 6.5% of people polled picked Crayon Pop as their favourite singer of the year (ahead of G-Dragon and BIGBANG, who flopped with a measly 6.4%), while 7.9% picked “Bar Bar Bar” as their favourite song. In terms of official rankings instead of percentages, Crayon Pop was ninth favourite singer overall, and had the third favourite song.

In other words:

Nation’s Girl Group Timeline: Wonder Girls (2007 – 2009), Girls’ Generation (2009-2013), Crayon Pop (2013 – Infinity)

Yas!