Wa$$up

In 2010, Nine Muses changed Korean music forever with “No Playboy.” In 2011, RaNia rocked the world with “Dr. Feel Good.” In 2012, we were blessed with Gangkiz. And now, in 2013, we have Wassup.

Yes, they’re really called “Wassup” (or WASSUP, or WA$$UP — I can’t figure out the correct stylization), and they’re marketed as K-pop’s first twerk group. They don’t really twerk, though; they kind of just shake their butts and squat like a bunch of ratchets covered in fake tan. Think Rihanna and Beyonce, only a million times better.

The group’s first single –the imaginatively-titled “Wassup”— is the musical equivalent of snorting crushed Ritalin. It’s supercharged hyper-pop, with way too much going on very little focus — much like Nicki Minaj’s entire career. The elegant angels of Wassup do their best to keep up with the breathless beats, alternating between cheerleader chanting, bad rapping, and exaggerated giggles. Meanwhile, the deep and introspective lyrics tell a powerful story of booty bouncing and being so attractive that everyone stares at your a$$. Designer labels are also name-dropped, just to give the song that extra dose of class and sophistication.

And if you think WASSUP’s exceptional talents are solely confined to their music, then think again. The group’s debut stage on Wednesday’s episode of Show Champion was almost as life-changing as a Crayon Pop performance. WASSUP’s queen bee, Nada, wore a shiny gold suit with matching knock-off Chanel earrings from the Chinese market, while the scrawny Nari dyed her hair a dull shade of purple and flashed her panties under her tight mini-dress. They were so fucking flawless that those desperate trolls in 2NE1 plagiarized their colourful concept and edgy, sexy fashion for their crappy M! Countdown comeback stage the following night, but they obviously paled in comparison when compared to Korea’s beautiful twerk-dols.

Bow down, bitches: The seven new Goddesses of K-pop have officially arrived.