Katy Perry Prism

I used to drag Katy Perry a lot for the cheap chart stunts she pulled to get to the top the Hot 100, but I genuinely became her fan after crying my way through the cinematic masterpiece that is Part of Me 3D. My body is well and truly ready to be violently abused by Kween Katy’s new era, but so far, it’s shaping up to be really lame.

First of all, her album is called Prism, which is probably the worst album title of 2013. Is there anybody here who’s looking forward to seeing Katy go on a million talk shows explaining that she called her album Prism because it represents the different sides of her personality? It’ll be like Xtina’s “unbreakable flower” spiel, except that Katy’s not quite tragic enough (yet) to laugh at in the same way that Aggie unintentionally slayed us all during Lotus.

Secondly, I’m sure you’ve all seen the teaser videos of Katy killing off her campy Teenage Dream-era persona, right? She’s trying to let us know that a more serious Katy is right around the corner, but I don’t need a bunch of contrived teasers to tell me that. Let the music speak for itself, girl. Also, don’t shit on your old image when you tried so hard to convince us all that it was the real deal in Part of Me 3D. The only thing about the Teenage Dream era that needs to be destroyed is all that iTunes discount remix fuckery. Everything else was perfect and turned you into the biggest pop star in the world, and as one of your fickle fans, I don’t appreciate seeing the iconic “California Gurls” wig set ablaze. Bitch should’ve just BBQ’d a meat dress if she really wanted to make a great comeback teaser.

Anyway, I just needed to get this off of my chest. I’m still well and truly ready to stan for Prism, and I’m keeping a positive and open mind so I don’t hastily write the whole era off like I did when Teenage Dream first dropped. But these teasers really are terrible, and Prism will never be an okay title for an album. Also, the three-second snippet of “Roar” that’s out is fucking abysmal, but I’m not going to judge a whole song based on such a small taste. And even if it is as bad as the snippet suggests, it doesn’t mean the whole album will be, too. Ke$ha’s Warrior is pretty flaw-free despite its commercial floppage, and “Die Young” is generally considered the worst song on the album.

Just know that I will drag and shade the shit out of Katy if the album doesn’t deliver, or if she’s giving us Teenage Dream-era teas after putting that persona in the ground. Now let’s all pray that Prism decimates Artpop on the charts!